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We're back from hospital.

They had another look in his eye and said he has a large blood clot. Andrea (another surgeon) had a look first then went to get Dr Lam, the senior surgeon. While she was gone I gave Joel a quick feed and when she came back and had another look, she said there is more blood than 10 minutes before. It is from him laying down to feed. This explains when he hasn't slept anywhere except on my shoulder since the op, he had one sleep in his bassinette this morning but woke up screaming. The pressure when he lays down causes a lot of pain in his eye. Andrea said that if I can, keep sleeping with him on my shoulder on the couch. I'll do that for my little man.

We have to go back to the hospital on Monday at 11. They want to give the blood a chance to drain and by keeping him upright as much as possible I can help to do that, so they'll give him the weekend to clear that blood. Come on God, just do this for him. Clear that clot so that he doesn't have to have another operation on Monday!!

I aksed Andrea "Really, what the point of all these operations? What's the reality of the situation, what chance does he have of ever seeing?" and she told me that he basically has no chance of ever getting any useable vision from that eye, that the surgeries are just to try to see what they can do but chances are really slim. She said the most likely outcome is that he will have a painted shell over his eye that looks just like his good eye because his PHPV eye will never look totally normal and even though the size difference isn't really noticable now, that in a few years time it will be and that the fact that the eye won't grow will cause him some pain because the rest of his face will be trying to grow and that cosmetically it will be "unacceptable". She said that if the eye continues to not respond to surgeries they may remove it.

I don't know, I know I should feel upset that they say he's never going to be able to see, that they might remove his eye. I feel like I should be falling in a heap but I just don't feel like that. I still believe there is healing there for him and that worse case, yeah he does have the eye removed and wears a false eye or a painted shell over his eye, well then that's just how it has to be. It's kind of a relief to know that there is a chance of him looking normal, even if he can't see.

Rich hasn't seen him without his surgical patch on (we had to leave the hard sheild on to stop him from rubbing his eye and the stitches) so today when I got home from hospital, he cried for him. He took one look at him and cried. I told my dad about the outcome from the surgeons and he cried, my mum cried, it's hard on everyone who loves and cares for Joel.

What I really do struggle with is the purpose in all of this. Why our family? Why my baby boy? We've seen, first hand, God's healing. I know that He heals so why has he chosen to ignore my prayers for my baby boy? I want to know His purpose. I want to know why we are missing out.

So for now, I'll keep praying for him, for this blood to clear so there's no more surgey and if you, readers, could do the same whether you believe or not, my little man would appreciate your prayers.